34

So I turned 34 today and looking back at my life so far, I feel like I haven't done shit. I don't need to "have" anything to show for my 34 years; that misses the point, because I've got my two beautiful kids, along with a third on the way, and I'm pretty damn proud of them. But what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck have I done? I've lived roughly half of my life, if I make it to the average American male expectancy, and I haven't done much.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but I can't look back without acknowledging some tremendous mistakes, as well as a few moments of sublime clarity.

I live a fairly good life I guess, but considering it's half over, it doesn't feel like enough. And the worst part is that I don't know what to do differently.

Weather the storm, ride it out. Blah blah fucking blah. Slow transcending agony.

Silence and Majesty Between the Trees

Sitting outside tonight as the evening light dissipates and the night descends upon us... learning quite a lot.

Ostara has passed and the Spring has arrived, but it is still that time of transition, when the leaves and flowers have yet to bloom. The birds have yet to arrive, and the Earth has yet to truly awaken from its self-imposed slumber.

The branches of the trees have nothing on them besides more branches, maybe a few shoots. Looking at this as the light goes into hiding for the night, it is plain to see why so many metal bands' logos are adorned with dead trees. Sure, its representative of coldness, of death and isolation and sorrow and misanthropy and all that is grim. I get that. But there's more to it, and I think I'm just finally seeing this tonight...

There is a certain poetry in the spaces between - a majesty of letters, words, sounds and movements. It's somewhat disturbing that I've never seen this in earnest until now, but that's not really important. And it's difficult, in seeing this, to think that what I've seen has not had some impact on metal logos, and even on metal itself. That poetry has played a part, and a bigger part than a lot of people would care to admit too...

Some morons who are too concerned with being trve and kvlt will cast this aside and claim that there is no poetry in trve metal... metal is anti-poetry. But that misses something that could not be more clear... to me at least.

I'm tempted to say that I'm over-intellectualizing this, but this isn't coming from an intellectual place. This is pure perception, witnessing of spirit...

Silence, stillness, even peace...

Nechochwen plays and I am in a very good place.

Goodbye Dave Park

Gaining all the attention in the local news this week has been the WRONGFUL death of Dave Park, someone that everyone at this gym knew and loved, because he was a kind, generous and gentle soul.

Apparently, he and his wife Deanna were in Buffalo for a friend's Baby Shower... Dave had a few drinks and accidentally wandered into the wrong house. The homeowner didn't care for that, so after warning Dave that he had a weapon, he SHOT him.

BANG. ONE FUCKING SHOT AND DAVE'S LIFE IS OVER.

It comes out yesterday, by this motherfucker's own admission, that the door was NOT LOCKED. His lawyer has the fucking balls to claim that this fact changes nothing regarding the homeowner's right to defend himself and his family (from someone, I might add, that poses no fucking threat).

Okay, maybe it changes nothing in the eyes of the law, but you know what? Fuck you, man. Fuck you so fucking hard, you piece of shit. You want to protect your family? Good, I understand. Lock the fucking door. Problem solved. Instead, the thought process could only be, "Well, I haven't locked the door, but if someone comes in that doesn't belong here, I'll just shoot him."

Fuck you, idiot. Go to fucking hell. I don't care what the law fucking says, because the fact that your door was open at 1 in the morning changes everything. You lock your door and Dave is still alive, Deanna isn't trying to pick her life up and move on without her husband of one fucking year, and none of us here are walking around trying to make sense of something that is so senseless.

Goodbye David Park. You are forever in our thoughts and hearts.

Wild

People have been going for days about the fact that Tilikum the killer whale (not a whale, for the record - orcas are dolphins) went off and killed this woman at Sea World. 'What would cause this animal to do this?' they say.

Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

It's a fucking wild animal. Sure, it's trained and all that shit, but it's still WILD. Think about it like this - human beings are the MOST domesticated animals on the planet, and we still flip out and get crazy all the time. Civilization can not take all The Wild out of any animal, humans included.

Those beautiful dolphins have no place in giant tanks in Sea World, jumping through hoops or whatever for our fucking entertainment. And we have NO right getting all indignant and surprised that this happens. It should happen more often - it gives me some small bit of hope that humanity will learn a lesson, and that maybe we can return to the path we once walked.

People that think that Tilikum should be "put down" ought to seriously consider why that's the case, because there is not one good argument for that proposal.

The Road

I finally got to see "The Road." As expected, it was an awe-inspiring piece of cinematic brilliance. I knew that it was not a happy go lucky comedy, but it was quite possibly the saddest, bleakest movie I've ever seen, and I've seen quite a few. The colors that dominate the film are grey and black; the sun is gone for all intents and purposes - this is not surprising for a post-apocalyptic tale of survival, but in my opinion, there is no way to prepare yourself for the sympathy and sadness this can produce if all else is done well. And in this movie, everything is just about perfect.

Get off of your ass and go see this film while you still can; and yes, there is more than sadness to be witnessed here - the underlying theme is one of unconditional love, hope, and struggle in the face of literally insurmountable odds.

What I must now do is get to reading the book.

Meals

"What's for dinner?" he said.

"Fear," she replied.

"Well, then what's for dessert?"

"A healthy serving of escapism."

He ate. He said, "This isn't going down so well - what's causing all this indigestion?"

"The belief," she said, "that you can follow one with the other and somehow survive."

Panopticon interview

My interview with Panopticon's Austin Lundr is posted over at Hammer Smashed Sound.