How do I possibly live with myself? How do I get up out of bed everyday, somehow content with what I have become?
I fall in line everyday. Actually, I fell in line long ago, and continue to go through the daily drill of lather-rinse-repeat, to somehow make myself a more acceptable person - an acceptable student, worker, husband, father - all the while disgusting myself with the things that I do, which often contradict the things that I believe - nay, that I KNOW - to be true.
I could take the usual short cut and blame society. Society is, of course, fucked up beyond belief. Literally beyond belief. People that are genuinely good, with good hearts, good intentions, and good actions, become corrupted by the society which the elders have allowed to come into existence - which the elders indeed created. There is no reality in this society, this unsustainable pile of unbridled consumerism, wreckage and despair, and there is no reality left in our lives.
I throw stones at that which I partake in. Oftentimes gladly.
Simpler people should have and would have thought this impossible, that we could somehow destroy everything good and sacred and replace it with materialist nonsense. But alas, we achieve the horrifyingly impossible everyday, going down new avenues of the grotesque and deplorable.
There are, of course, other options. I could just as easily choose to destroy society, but I refrain, because I don't think that would achieve the desire of returning to the sacred simplicity of former times. There must be some way to get to that, because it exists in our minds - and not as forced delusion. But at this point I am not aware of a path that would lead back to that.
That is sort of what my life is turning into - a quest, or a journey through the depths of pain, disappointment, loss, and despair, hopefully to arrive at another path that will bring us back to something else - not something that it simply more aesthetically and materially pleasing to the 6 senses, but something entirely fucking livable, in all four dimensions.
Perhaps I wear the disguise to conceal what I know to be my true purpose; perhaps I wear it to evade that purpose. Perhaps I'm entirely full of shit.
We achieve the impossible everyday. It is high time to start erasing imaginary lines, to pursue a different,purer impossible - a headless impossible. One that we conform to, not one that conforms to us. One in which we are not front and center, we are not on the periphery - we just are. It exists in the mind, and once it arrives it will be necessarily headless - out of the mind and into the hands of a world that accepts it and experiences it and the richness of spirit that it is composed of.
These are not easy things to understand, given the brutal context of our lives. But they are necessary and essential in every practical and reasonable sense; do what you must to understand. Don't take my word for it - because seriously, who the fuck am I? Mess with your head. Indulge in illicit chemicals if you must - I did not, but some require it. In short, do whatever it takes to expand the parameters of your consciousness to include the impossible and unimaginable, because therein lies the heart of darkness.