Victory

It occurred to me today that it's probably time for humanity to stand up and declare it's victory over nature. It's hit me before, on an intellectual level, that there is no reversing what we've done. But today, on a more emotional, intuitive level, I realized just what that means.

What was once the pillar of humanity's elegance has fallen. Instead of community working in concert with nature, we have Home Depot. Instead of rains falling to feed the Earth, we have dying oceans and crumbling ecosystems. Instead of newborns suckling their mothers, we have BPA-free plastic bottles.

Well, there's no BPA, so this plastic is ok! It won't kill your child directly, but it will destroy the planet! No problem!!!

It's universally accepted by astronomers that the planet is supposed to be in the midst of a cooling cycle, on the way toward another ice age, perhaps. But somehow, the planet is getting hotter. If that is not enough to convince us that we're royally screwed the pooch, then I don't know what will.

I was overcome by a profound sadness; not depression, but sublime, intense sadness for what we've managed to destroy in roughly 200,000 years. It's tough to believe, and tougher to accept, but I think that people are starting to become familiar with the idea of collapse, and just what it means. We've no choice.

What I have to focus on is getting past this compulsion to punch everyone I see in the face. That's probably not healthy.

Degradation

Sometimes it just baffles me how badly wrong we can be. People get so hung up on stupid separators like nationality, race, religion, blah blah blah. So some Muslims want to build a Community Center near "Ground Zero."

People say they oppose this because it's an insult to the fallen.

I think people have just forgotten what the word COMMUNITY means... or perhaps they never knew. I myself forget that we are born into a world where there is no community. The ways of nature have been removed from our collective consciousness. I had an interesting talk with Tricia a couple of weeks ago about how different humanity looks now, in terms of evolution, when compared to itself before the advent of surplus agriculture. She said that the differences would be negligible, but I don't think I can agree with that. Because something is clearly fucked up; the world is burning down, and we set the fire and continue to fan the flames. We've changed; we seem to be born with an innate acceptance of civilization, and an uncanny ability to tune out the destruction and devastation that it wreaks upon the natural world. We think that "humanity" and "nature" are opposed.

Maybe for good reason, I suppose. Maybe humans really aren't a part of nature anymore. Maybe we've let ourselves go.

Fuck ground zero. It's better where it is. I'm sorry those people died, and when I say "those people," I mean the people that were in the buildings as well as those that flew the planes. Ward Churchill was right in a sense, that chickens were coming home to roost. But they weren't America's chickens. They were civilization's chickens.

And it was likely only the beginning.

34

So I turned 34 today and looking back at my life so far, I feel like I haven't done shit. I don't need to "have" anything to show for my 34 years; that misses the point, because I've got my two beautiful kids, along with a third on the way, and I'm pretty damn proud of them. But what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck have I done? I've lived roughly half of my life, if I make it to the average American male expectancy, and I haven't done much.

Not sure what I'm looking for here, but I can't look back without acknowledging some tremendous mistakes, as well as a few moments of sublime clarity.

I live a fairly good life I guess, but considering it's half over, it doesn't feel like enough. And the worst part is that I don't know what to do differently.

Weather the storm, ride it out. Blah blah fucking blah. Slow transcending agony.

Silence and Majesty Between the Trees

Sitting outside tonight as the evening light dissipates and the night descends upon us... learning quite a lot.

Ostara has passed and the Spring has arrived, but it is still that time of transition, when the leaves and flowers have yet to bloom. The birds have yet to arrive, and the Earth has yet to truly awaken from its self-imposed slumber.

The branches of the trees have nothing on them besides more branches, maybe a few shoots. Looking at this as the light goes into hiding for the night, it is plain to see why so many metal bands' logos are adorned with dead trees. Sure, its representative of coldness, of death and isolation and sorrow and misanthropy and all that is grim. I get that. But there's more to it, and I think I'm just finally seeing this tonight...

There is a certain poetry in the spaces between - a majesty of letters, words, sounds and movements. It's somewhat disturbing that I've never seen this in earnest until now, but that's not really important. And it's difficult, in seeing this, to think that what I've seen has not had some impact on metal logos, and even on metal itself. That poetry has played a part, and a bigger part than a lot of people would care to admit too...

Some morons who are too concerned with being trve and kvlt will cast this aside and claim that there is no poetry in trve metal... metal is anti-poetry. But that misses something that could not be more clear... to me at least.

I'm tempted to say that I'm over-intellectualizing this, but this isn't coming from an intellectual place. This is pure perception, witnessing of spirit...

Silence, stillness, even peace...

Nechochwen plays and I am in a very good place.

Goodbye Dave Park

Gaining all the attention in the local news this week has been the WRONGFUL death of Dave Park, someone that everyone at this gym knew and loved, because he was a kind, generous and gentle soul.

Apparently, he and his wife Deanna were in Buffalo for a friend's Baby Shower... Dave had a few drinks and accidentally wandered into the wrong house. The homeowner didn't care for that, so after warning Dave that he had a weapon, he SHOT him.

BANG. ONE FUCKING SHOT AND DAVE'S LIFE IS OVER.

It comes out yesterday, by this motherfucker's own admission, that the door was NOT LOCKED. His lawyer has the fucking balls to claim that this fact changes nothing regarding the homeowner's right to defend himself and his family (from someone, I might add, that poses no fucking threat).

Okay, maybe it changes nothing in the eyes of the law, but you know what? Fuck you, man. Fuck you so fucking hard, you piece of shit. You want to protect your family? Good, I understand. Lock the fucking door. Problem solved. Instead, the thought process could only be, "Well, I haven't locked the door, but if someone comes in that doesn't belong here, I'll just shoot him."

Fuck you, idiot. Go to fucking hell. I don't care what the law fucking says, because the fact that your door was open at 1 in the morning changes everything. You lock your door and Dave is still alive, Deanna isn't trying to pick her life up and move on without her husband of one fucking year, and none of us here are walking around trying to make sense of something that is so senseless.

Goodbye David Park. You are forever in our thoughts and hearts.

Wild

People have been going for days about the fact that Tilikum the killer whale (not a whale, for the record - orcas are dolphins) went off and killed this woman at Sea World. 'What would cause this animal to do this?' they say.

Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

It's a fucking wild animal. Sure, it's trained and all that shit, but it's still WILD. Think about it like this - human beings are the MOST domesticated animals on the planet, and we still flip out and get crazy all the time. Civilization can not take all The Wild out of any animal, humans included.

Those beautiful dolphins have no place in giant tanks in Sea World, jumping through hoops or whatever for our fucking entertainment. And we have NO right getting all indignant and surprised that this happens. It should happen more often - it gives me some small bit of hope that humanity will learn a lesson, and that maybe we can return to the path we once walked.

People that think that Tilikum should be "put down" ought to seriously consider why that's the case, because there is not one good argument for that proposal.

The Road

I finally got to see "The Road." As expected, it was an awe-inspiring piece of cinematic brilliance. I knew that it was not a happy go lucky comedy, but it was quite possibly the saddest, bleakest movie I've ever seen, and I've seen quite a few. The colors that dominate the film are grey and black; the sun is gone for all intents and purposes - this is not surprising for a post-apocalyptic tale of survival, but in my opinion, there is no way to prepare yourself for the sympathy and sadness this can produce if all else is done well. And in this movie, everything is just about perfect.

Get off of your ass and go see this film while you still can; and yes, there is more than sadness to be witnessed here - the underlying theme is one of unconditional love, hope, and struggle in the face of literally insurmountable odds.

What I must now do is get to reading the book.

Meals

"What's for dinner?" he said.

"Fear," she replied.

"Well, then what's for dessert?"

"A healthy serving of escapism."

He ate. He said, "This isn't going down so well - what's causing all this indigestion?"

"The belief," she said, "that you can follow one with the other and somehow survive."

Panopticon interview

My interview with Panopticon's Austin Lundr is posted over at Hammer Smashed Sound.

Fear and Longing

Someone hacked into my Paypal account and paid 55 Euros (of my money) to a German online gaming service... or some such shit. Luckily, I caught it as it happened and was able to protect myself and my fragile, feeble financial assets from further harm... I hope. As it happened I immediately went into panic mode, which is not usually a productive place for me to be, but today it worked, and I guess there's no arguing with results.

I'd like to say that it's out of my mind; I'll get my 81 dollars back when PayPal's investigation is complete and they realize that I never authorized such a transaction. It's not out of my mind though; fear lingers, and I wonder how vulnerable myself and my family are to such intrusions.



Thankfully, though, my copy of Fauna's "The Hunt" CD arrived in the mail today, and I think it's about time for me to crack a beer and drift away into a spiritual realm of enormously moving blackmetal... that always makes me long for Minnewaska. Keep telling myself I can wait for Tuesday, but I always long for Gertrude's Nose, especially in Winter... my spiritual home to which I shall return once again.

I might also mention, though, that I'm apparently taking this semester off from grad school. There are positive and negative ramifications for this maneuver, but I think in the grand scheme this should prove to be a wise move. I'm going to spend the time enjoying my wee ones, reconnecting and communing with nature, and working on some other ventures that for now will remain hush-hush.

What will not remain hush-hush is my excitement for this. Will surely be awesome, and now that I won't be taking any classes for a while, I can train for this monumental day. I wish I wasn't so psyched for it, but honestly, I can't wait.

Winter Clarity...

Walking through the fresh fallen snows tonight, with Paysage d'Hiver as a trusted companion, a lot of things began to make a fair amount of sense. That, or things became infinitely muddier...

I admit to harboring fairly misanthropic tendencies, and to being highly cynical at times; I don't feel particularly comfortable around people I don't know; most nights, I'd rather stay in than go out and actually do something, unless that "something" is going to a show; as a general rule, I don't trust people, even when I know I should; and finally, as I watch humanity destroy all that is sacred to me, I am deeply doubtful that we (as in the human race) will be able to "return" to our roots, to nature. I want to believe it, and I even see and feel hints in the air that suggest that it may not be too late to save ourselves and our planet from an untimely demise... I want to, so badly, but it's more than difficult - it seems to betray my better judgment.

Somehow, though, I also believe strongly in the redemptive capacities of man; we are animals after all, and while some might claim that placing "redemptive capacities" in the realm of animal characteristics is overstepping the boundaries of human knowledge, foresight, and consciousness, I know better. I've seen it with my own three eyes more times than can be accurately counted. I'm centered enough to know - to remember - that anything with the tiniest degree of self-consciousness has the moral capacity to be redeemed.



Perhaps my mind is clear because the Winter season is finally upon us; anyone who knows me knows that I am fully alive and at the height of my being in the Winter. Sure, I'm prone to depression, but not in the Winter, as many sadly are. There is simply too much beauty to feel sad now. The fresh coldness of the air is sweet upon my tongue, the snow soothing and reassuring to my spirit, the bitter winds a sometimes harsh reminder that no matter what we have to endure on daily basis, we are alive, and in our selves and our souls we are free. In that freedom we are kind, giving, and essentially good, and while I may not always choose to remember that, there is something to be said for plastering that on the filthy walls of civilization in order to remind our brethren that there is no need to dominate and destroy the sacredness of the natural world that we inhabit. We need only touch our inner being, in concert with a oneness with Life, to see that we, in our actions but not necessarily our selves, have gone wrong. If we simply look around and act upon our spiritual instincts, we can find our way once again.

Something tells me that we are doomed, but the more people perceive this impending doom, the greater the potential for redemption and salvation. I don't need some bankrupt belief in god to tell me that.